Kailangan nating magtanda: Isang pahayag

Napapaisip ako nang madalas tungkol sa mga balimbing na (bumalik sa) pangangampanya para sa mga mismong kinatawan na kanilang siniraan mula noong 2015 hanggang 2021: PNoy, Mar, Leni and Kiko. Dahil sa ginampanan nila upang magkaganito ang pamamahala ng ating bansa, hindi ko sila maituturing na kakampink. 

Walang pinag-iba ang pulpolitikong tulad nina FVRamos, Dick Gordon, Bayani Fernando, Grace Poe, Chiz Escudero, at ang mga tagapaghatid ng balita gaya nina Ted Failon, Arnold Claudio, atbp kina Enrile, Macapagal-Arroyo at Marcos. Lalong hindi ko rin maatim ang lahat ng kasapi ng Makabayan bloc, ang mga National Democrats na siyang unang kumampi kay Duterte at hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin natutong humingi ng tawad at magtrabaho upang itama ang kanilang pagkakamali na siyang nagdulot ng kaguluhang ito. 

Pinaglaruan nilang lahat ang buhay at niyurakan nila ang pagkatao hindi lang ng napakaraming ipinakulong at ipinapatay dahil sa huwad na "War on Drugs" ng administrasyong Rodrigo Duterte, kundi maging ang kanilang mga kamag-anak/angkan. Magalit po na ang magalit, pero ang aking mga binibitiwang salita ay buhat ng pinagdaanan nang aming pamilya nitong 6 na taon.

Ayaw kong ibahagi ang mapait na pagkulong ng aking kapatid; lingid lang po sa inyong kaalaman pero wala akong nakukuhang kasayahan o clout/prestihiyo kada pagkukumahog kong isulat o isalarawan ang kanyang nakakapanlumong pinagdaanan. Ngayon lang po ako nagsasalita, na may halong kaba at luha, dahil gusto kong matuto ang sambayanan mula sa aming karanasan. Nang-ibang bansa nga po ako upang makapagsimula muli, dahil sino nga ba ang gusto makipagtrabaho sa isang marketing communications professional (kahit na hindi naman ako napakagaling sa trabahong ito) na sirang-sira ang mabuting pangalan dahil sa paninirang ginawa ng pamahalaang ito? Hanggang sa kasalukuyan at hindi na ako makapagsulat at makapaglikha bilang libangan, dahil nabubuhay ako araw-araw nang hindi ko makakalimutan kung paano ako nabigong maipagtanggol ang aking kapatid gamit ang wika at ang mga salitang dati-rati ko nang sandata. 

Kaya, habang lalaban ako nang buong puso para kina Leni Robredo, Kiko Pangilinan, Team Tropa at sa kapakanan ng sambayanang Pilipino maski hindi sila kakampink, hindi ako makikipagkasundo sa mga balimbing na binanggit ko at sa kanilang mga tagasunod. Naniniwala ako sa pagmamana ng sumpa at kamalasan, kaya hanggang sa ang mga taksil ay magpakita nang tunay na pananagutan tungo sa paghahamig at paghihilom, hindi ko sila kayang pakisamahan at hindi ko kayang panagutan ang pakikisama sa mga nanghihikayat na tanggapin ang pakikipagsanib-pwersa sa kanila. Kailangan na talaga nating magtanda at matuto sa ating mga pagkakamali. Kung patuloy kayo sa pagboto sa mga taksil at/o sa pagsasawalang-bahala sa mga naranasan namin nitong mala-impyernong administrasyon, salamat na lang po sa lahat. 

Pagsasalin sa Ingles sa ilalim nitong cut / English translation after the cut. 

Rebuilding and Recreating

Re-creation - noun.

1. The act of making something anew
2. A thing being formed anew
3. The state of being remade

I haven't really been creating a lot of new material these past few years out of leisure or for the simple sake of creating. 

I went abroad because I wanted to start over, to begin again. 

Who knew it would be so difficult?

Self-awareness syndrome | new news

If there is one thing that is both boon and bane of my existence, it is that I am incredibly, stupendously self-aware but also incredibly, stupendously impotent to fix it, and not for lack of trying mind you.

And honestly, real talk: everyone who says "all it takes to fix it is discipline" can go fuck themselves over. If it were that easy to create and maintain that discipline, I would have already fixed it. If life didn't always like screwing even the most disciplined of people, then I would have already fixed it.


~~~~~~~~

In other news, my new steady job as a writer/editor for an online travel magazine -- completely at the other side of the communications fence -- is the most fun I have had working in a long time.

I just wish I could work from home instead of going to an office, but hey, at least someone is doing my accounting and computing my tax returns because I still don't get how this godforsaken Philippine government does it (they make sure you as the payer gets screwed over).

If you're looking for me, I'm Jocelyn on www.traveldailymedia.com. Please watch out for uncut/uncensored/alternate versions of my Travel Daily articles on this blog. ^.~v

An unpopular opinion regarding the Gamer Totoy discussion of sexual favours granted by cosplayers

I don't think I should link to it anymore, and I tried to stay away from this issue, but as I've gone in and out of the cosplay scene I have also grown sick and tired of the crazy double standard -- let's face it, most humans of the XY chromosome in cosplay fandom WILL post photos of scantily clad girls who haven't even met these fappers. And then there really is no way I can keep my opinion to myself, considering that I have a (younger) sister who is both internet-famous and FHM famous, even more than the cosplayer said to be peddling sexual favours has become (though definitely not to Alodia, Tuxedo Team, Kipi -- my age is showing, Dani, or Yaya levels).

Allow me to share my opinion, unpopular though it may be: for me, if the cosplayer is selling sexual favours because she has legitimate issues with money, if she needs to support herself through more than just the next costume (or 3, or 5), then I won't get in her case. Doubly so if she doesn't say or do anything to contradict herself and her actions, because in that case I still would have more respect for her than, say, Jerry Polence, who said she would be a nun but didn't follow through with that AND had terribly unholy behaviour in so many ways to boot. (Irony of ironies, said sister is a friend of Polence. It's a surprise to some people that I'm civil around this particular fellow ex-cosplayer.)

Plus to all the men here who are reading this, and even the women too, I'm going to quote what my BFF in the Philippine cosplay scene has said: if you condemn the girl for what she does, but then post pictures on your own Facebook of scantily naked female cosplayers / Korean actresses we all know would never give you the time of day anyway, then that makes you a hypocrite. (We know who most of you are. We see your Facebook feeds, Tumblr accounts, Twitter handles, your blogs, your social media networks and even your private posts. Even you Gamer Totoy. :D) You have no right to objectify females yourself and then complain / mock a girl who at least uses her OWN body for it, and not someone else's. So honestly, to all the male posters here, stop being dickwads with your holier-than-thou attitudes since you're all going to kiss and tell whether or not she or any girl bangs you, anyway. (I suspect this double standard actually persists because many of you were rejected by her, or others like her, and if not that you simply weren't able to afford her services.)

Finally, if it is proven that indeed she IS doing it just to get herself a shiny coming-of-age party, well, she is indeed sadly horribly misled by her priorities in life. Not to say that her need isn't valid, but in the greater scheme of things, having a fun, grand debutante party can still be done for a cheaper budget through better planning. I mean, come on, just take a look at Jeane Napoles' Blogger account and debut post-party video -- she had SO MUCH MONEY to burn (all taken from decent hardworking taxpayers like myself, by the way) and still came up with a party that's nowhere as cool given the materials, equipment and personnel she had at her disposal. She tried to have a party like Tony Stark from IRON MAN 2 but the video alone shows it's not quite as happening as her spin doctors and video editors try to make it look. .

Oh, in case you're looking for me, this is crossposted on my:

• Tumblr (I caved)
• Livejournal

Fina-fricking-ly, yes, I acknowledge I am turning into the queen of unpopular opinion, but that also means flames will be doused with water after being used to cook delicious spam and eggs.

That's all, thanks. ^.~v

Better safe than sorry!

You just KNOW I'm going to repost things like this.

♥ Self Defense ♥ by Mewkeirin

Addendum to my previous entry, or the gal who tries to reclaim her life

Days after I was able to post this, we caught one of the four men who held me up.

His name is Pablito Manatad. He was supposed to be driving TYL 409 on 22 Dec but he was Badong/Man #1. He's from the Visayas but lives in Quezon City.

He is muscular and heavy-set but has a big gut. He also has a rose tattoo on his left shoulder/arm, and is apparently part of the mostly-Visayan Scorpion Gang that has connections all the way to Cavite.

He was caught because the taxi cab was caught for a traffic violation. The impounding police called us when they realised that the cab was the hold-up cab that they had had an alert released for. The drivers were asked to be there while the owner had to verify if it was a double plate since it was caught when the original was at the garage.

However, the others are still out there even if he has spilled their whereabouts. Please pray and share information about this unceasingly so that more people can defend themselves and even turn these crooks in. And please pray for myself and those of us who have chosen to fight back -- I am learning as early as now that it's a hard, long, lonely, tiring, uphill and costly battle, but if we want to change the system and empower others like ourselves, we will have to do what must be done.

Thank you very much.

Hold-up incident report (or, the gal who lived) [UPDATED WITH PHOTOS!]

I wish this were untrue, and I wish I could undo this, but it needs to be shared. 

At around 7:00 pm I withdrew money from Security Bank Annapolis GH branch, near my office. At 7:30-ish pm, I was hailing a cab. I only remember the cab being a beat-up white four-door sedan car with plate number TYL 409.

I can't recall who the driver was at the time and the name of the cab as written on the cab body outside sadly. I do now recall the locks were faulty, that the front windshield had the "cleanfuel" sticker (signifying it's using LPG gas power instead of gasoline), and black rubber at the back windows. The seats were all black leather and had the taxi information, which should be printed legibly, all blurry/erased. 

We made the turn from Annapolis, to EDSA, and then the U-turn under Ortigas flyover. We entered corner to White Plains, at Temple Drive, past People Power Monument. At a vacant lot nearby (before Meralco), and ironically while I was in the middle of texting my family my whereabouts, four men came in and they kicked him out of the cab.

A short description of the four (images here):

• Man 1 (guy by my right, "Badong"): Crew cut, chiseled face, somewhat pointy chin, small eyes, muscular build but slightly big stomach, with stubble, dark-skinned
• Man 2 (guy by my left): Dark-skinned, round face, chubby cheeks, bulging eyes, no beard/moustache, short hair parted at the middle, wearing blue long-sleeved Adidas sweater with white stripes at shoulders and sleeves, had a baseball cap that looked a lot like the red Air Asia cap with white text, pudgy arms and legs
• Man 3/”Boss”: Square face, flat cheeks, moustached stereotypical bad guy minus the big beard, dark-skinned, far-set bulging eyes, light moustache, beard, wearing blue long-sleeved Adidas sweater with white stripes at shoulders and sleeves, parang may white shirt sa loob, with grey beanie hat, had tubo, gravelly voice, muscular arms, pudgy legs 
• Man 4/Driver ("Bobot"): White cap, white shirt, circular glasses, features remind me of Brod Pete (a local comedian), thin, dark-skinned

I heard someone say “pasensya na (I’m sorry)” but I don’t recall who it is. I do recall the perpetrators drove me around EDSA from Ortigas Avenue to Quezon City, as far as the U-turn right before SM North. They kept threatening to bring me to Bulacan and rape me especially when I initially refused to give them my belongings. They took my ATM cards (Security Bank, BPI Express Teller), my Metrobank credit card, my black BlackBerry Torch 9800 with black Otter protective case, my personal Nokia phones (one is a pink 6020, the other is a black 2700 Classic), my Sony Cyber-shot silver T-100 digital camera, and my black Sony Vaio laptop. After “Boss” made some calls via mobile (they were very clever at keeping the numbers hidden), the gang dropped “Boss” off at Cubao walkway underpass, EDSA southbound at around 9:00 pm so he could withdraw money. He came back and tried to strangle, punch, slap, throw shoes/slippers at me when he couldn't get my credit card PIN out of me (it's fairly new and I don't memorize the PIN at all). They took turns trying to beat me up at some point, except for Driver because he was driving. I fought back, and they told me they would rape me because I wouldn't give them enough money (they needed PhP20,000 and even used Typhoon Sendong as a reason to hold me up). At around 10:00 pm they turned into NIA Road near BIR/PDEA in QC, and threw me out the cab. When Boss tried to hit me with a pipe/tubo, I vaguely remember clawing and kicking back, taking whatever was left of my things, and ran. I found myself at the QC Post Office security guard house (at the gate), and made phone calls to the QC PD, my mother's office, and my best friend's house as those were the only numbers I could contact. 

With my family finally arriving around 11:30 pm to almost midnight, I went to the QC Police Department at Kamuning/EDSA. We waited for a graying-haired 40-ish cop in a white undershirt and police uniform pants named SPO4 Patricio Sanoza (Sanyosa)  to whom I gave my statement, which is attached. I told him about what I recall about the cab, but he did not ask at all  about identifying the criminals.

My SIMs have all been blocked/disabled, as have my ATM and credit cards. Unfortunately they have switched off all phones so I am not sure if they can be traced at this point.  They are able to trace the ATM withdrawal transactions at Metrobank Valencia Hills though. I am cooperating with QCPD in catching the perpetrators.

  

The following day, a friend gave this information about the cab that held me up: 

Plate Number: TYL 409 / E#: 2E-3254892 / C#: EE110-8009918 / MV#: 138000000225318 / Col: Freedom White / Sticker#: 2011122773755 / MVType: Car / TradeName: / Make: Toyota/ Series: COROLLA XL M/T / YRModel: 2001 / MVClass: FOR - HIRE / Org: MARVIN SANTOS.. / OR#: 000201111852482 / CR#: 000000005541645 / BType:sEDAN - 4-DOOR / FRegDate: 09-25-2001 / LRegDate: 09-30-2011 / Fuel: GAS / Route: MARIKINA ANY PT TO LUZON / Franchise#: 96-945 / FEDate: 12-31-2007 / Total Apps: 0 /Total Alarms: 0 / Customer ID CO1378000031312 / Add: 10 MAYSAN ST. VALENZUELA 

  

Separately, I dropped by the QCPD Kamuning once more to get the official, correct copy of the police report I originally filed. There I met a woman named Donna Araujo who was held up on Christmas Day from Main Avenue in Cubao and dropped off at Balete Drive which is very similar to what happened to me. I am trying to get her assistance as she saw the name of the car, which is made purely of consonant letters.

Please stay safe everyone. Hope your Christmas is better than mine. I've seen posts where people blame me for not being vigilant -- excuse me, but I was held up right in the middle of sending my parents an SMS where I was riding, the point here is not whether or not I should've been vigilant but that they still ambushed me anyway even after acting towards my own self-preservation! 


And to these motherfuckers who hurt me and others like me, I hope and pray you lose everything you hold dear -- every body part, every item, every person, every business, every bit of cash, and every generation of your beloved families and clans -- as befits the punishment you have long tried to avoid. 

Links:

• My original Facebook post on this subject = https://www.facebook.com/ligayaharuka/posts/10150479183713815
• The ABS-CBN/Bandila news clip (December 23; easily viewed outside the Philippines via The Filipino Channel) = http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/video/nation/metro-manila/12/23/11/cops-warn-modus-during-holidays
• The ABS-CBN text version of the same news (December 23) = http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/metro-manila/12/23/11/woman-attacked-robbed-inside-taxi
• NEW: I finally managed to scan the cartographic sketches I had asked a key contact (who must remain anonymous until this case is solved, I owe this man and the people who got me to him greatly as I cannot achieve this drawing style myself) make. Here they are: man 1, man 2, man 3 (minus the beanie, which I tried to describe and even draw but somehow didn't make it to the sketch), and man 4.

Because I'm a little desperate to finish a long-delayed set of reports...

From http://stjudenovena.org/:

O most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, people honor and invoke you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, for I am so helpless and alone. Please help to bring me visible and speedy assistance. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly (the request being prayed for) and that I may praise God with you always.

I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you by publishing this request. Amen.

May the Sacred Heart of Jesus be Adored, Glorified, Loved & Preserved throughout the world, now & forever. Sacred Heart of Jesus, please pray for me. Saint Jude, Worker of Miracles, please pray for me. Saint Jude, Helper of the Hopeless, please pray for me. Amen.

...PLEASE let the disk check finish up in less than an hour. I really need the time to finish my reports. T~T

Schadenfreude? XD

I love this time of the year because it's the one time I see my mum dressed up in costume and be completely out of her element.

As I cannot post the costume photo yet (because Christmas presentations in their office are apparently VERY serious business), allow me to share our dialogue a few minutes ago instead:

Mum (wailing as she points to herself and her above-the-knee costume): Anak, ang iksi pala nito (this is so short)!
Me (snickering): E di ba noong ka-edad n'yo ako nagsusuot kayo nang ganyan? (But didn't you use to wear outfits like that when you were my age?) X3
Mum (fuming): Hindi na kita ka-edad ngayon ano! (You know I'm no longer your age anymore!) DX

...Thanks for giving me a sneak preview of my life after 25 years, I love you Mum. ♥♥♥ XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ♥♥♥

Oplan Kaligayahan: Ang Bisa ng Pagyakap

I'm sorry, blog, I know I've been neglecting you, but all the other things I planned to write about will have to wait because of this.

Because I have committed myself to being a force of positive, happy energy (which is doubly difficult because of my name and because of the situations I somehow manage to find myself in), I made a lifelong choice to become like Buddha and to listen to the cries of the world when the world refuses to hear them. While I realise that this has made other people feel much better, they do make me feel worse, especially because many of them as of late hit so close to home. And, of course, Buddha didn't exactly seem to bother to preach about handling your own problems either (I've re-read his teachings so many times in my young life, maybe I'm missing those verses?), so it's enough to say that I'm plodding through my own troubles.

I've tried several attempts to soothe my soul. I've returned to breakfasts with the BCBP; I've bought and overdosed on camomile and jasmine tea (and infusions thereof); I've even brought a miniature Zen garden to the office. Today, after slinging these problems on my shoulder and trying to focus on work, I prepared to exchange packages with a friend I hadn't seen in months. The exchange was meant to take only a few minutes, as I had a report to rush and I was suffering from cramps due to the arrival of my monthly visitor.

Our items (a keychain from her and a letter opener from me) changed hands but right before I left, I gave her a HUG. It was quite unexpected, even for a spontaneous person like me, because what I really wanted to do was to say that I knew she'd having a tough go of it of late, and that I was feeling the same way too. But then again I couldn't think of any words to tell her (each person has her cross to bear, after all), and there really wasn't enough time to say them.

Strangely, although I was the one that gave it, that one hug has turned my day around. My body began to feel less tightly wound, and the cramping seriously decreased, which is rare because when I have my period it is a serious effort to even get out of bed. The printer eventually broke down so the report is unfortunately three days late due to the weekend, but amazingly my boss just let me finish printing it on Monday. I was able to get my mum to agree on meeting my cousin from my dad's side as she's in town, which is normally difficult because anything that has to do with my dad is a thorny problem on her side. And, of course, I found out that my friend was able to get by today because of that hug.

I heard from one of my classmates in high school that hugs have been scientifically proven to be therapeutic, but now I can see that random, genuine hugs have an incredible amount of power. Hugs are able to convey so many things that words cannot: I miss you, it is great to see you again, thank you, I understand.

(As for the other types of hugs that say, "Hey, I really like touching you," well, let's not discuss those types of hugs today. :P)

I believe hugs are magical and some of them can burst out with so much magic and positivity you just want to give a few out because it can't be contained. Hugs are easy and healing. I wish I had thought of this easy feel-good solution sooner.

HUGS!!! ♥♥♥











* This post is a direct response to Milk.Blood.Ink's Hug Therapy. You always have my back, and my hugs. ^.~v

Helping hands, getting ready, and best birthday wishes

Hi all! I'm so terribly sorry I've been gone a long, long WHILE. AGAIN. DX Life has been kind to me and my appetite and wallet but unfortunately for our folk in the Egypt, Bahrain, Libya, Syria, New Zealand, Japan and Myanmar, it's not been the same. The political situations in Egypt, Bahrain, Libya and Syria have kept me riveted, but the effect is that of a terrible plane wreck - you don't like it but you can't keep your eyes away. I was worried sick when I'd heard about the Christchurch earthquake because many friends, like my collage blockmate Kenken, are there. Then I heard about the double whammy that hit Japan, the font of kawaii, kitsch and quirkiness, while I was away in Singapore for a mixed business/pleasure trip almost 2 weeks ago (has it really been that long?). And now, it's Myanmar - not a land quickly taken to earthquakes since it's not so close to the Ring Of Fire territory that Japan, NZ and the Philippines are smack in the middle of, but its government is so rough and many of the people there seem to be worse off than they are here in my country. It's distressing how natural calamities keep piling up, one after another; it's no wonder that when two quakes hit the Romblon-Mindoro area in the past seven days, people here in the Luzon group of islands were justifiably rattled.

Right now I am very happy that my loved ones and I are all safe and sound, though of course everyone here has the thought "But for how long?" lingering at the back of our minds. In between the Philippine government's incompetence over repatriating Filipinos working and studying in both the calamity-stricken and politically-tense parts of the world, we have also taken it upon ourselves to help out, mostly through the aid of international organisations. The response to help has been awesome, though part of me thinks that it's the Filipino nature to help even when he/she has little else left to give anyhow; in any case, I am pleased as punch because many of my friends in local cosplay and fandom front have set aside grudges for a common, worthy cause. The Philippine Red Cross in particular has opened up a page urging for relief aid and volunteers to help their Japanese counterparts; though I've not had the time to help, I've given them a good amount of my salary - my intended birthday spend - this month in the hopes that someone would smile a bit on my special day (Cosplay.Ph and Tamashii Con helped them out quite a bit too). I am still trying to find ways and means to help out.

Here are my birthday wishes, because it's that time of the year again when I hope and pray these things come true. ♥♥♥

• For the weather and the earth to simply not give everyone a bad day on my birthday week. That earthquake-tsunami combo that hit Japan did not leave me amused. --> This worked, yay!
• To have dinner with Anna F, Eia, other friends in high school, all my friends in ICTUS and all of Broad Comm 2002 again (preferably not all at the same time though). XD
• For Banco Filipino to reopen because a good portion of my savings are in it (yes I'm looking at you, Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas Governor Amado Tetangco and everyone in both BSP and the Philippine Deposit Insurance Company because the lot of you are money-grubbing motherfuckers).
• See my boyfriend this year in the USA, unchallenged.
• To cosplay again with friends!
• To have fun with Cosplay.ph friends again, not necessarily in cosplay-related schemes.
• To go out of town - beyond Tagaytay but preferably within the country please.
• To see my older sister again. 

I forgot to add this last one durrhurrhurr: To earn more monies at work (because taking jobs on the side is going to kill me, I am so exhausted from work these days with events happening weekly and almost daily in the weeks past).

Have a great weekend everyone!

Life & Style

I visited Littlekobaby's blog Koko In Wonderland this weekend and as always, she did not disappoint. She doesn't just recommend which items match or which style should be followed, but she asks questions that few fringe style fashionistas would dare tackle. She's very brave for professing her love for both gyaru and lolita, which is no mean feat because girls from both Japanese street fashion tribes have been at loggerheads since day one. This isn't a unique phenomenon though, as such tribalistic tendencies in fashion can be seen from haute couture to counterfeit culture. The type of mutual disgust that the gyaru and lolita  communities have for each other would make the Cold War look like a campfire where people are singing "Kumbayah." Yes folks, fashion equals serious business.

Gyaru (more likely agejo or hostesses) modelling Gothic Lolita brand dresses in their own style, taken from Vanilla Girl August 2008 issue, through CherryPop.

Thanks to this post and this post, I couldn't resist writing this reply of sorts.

I wish I did this before you left...

From http://xkcd.com/162/.

Yes, still feeling a bit of separation anxiety. We're like the Weaver Princess and Cowherd personified ... and hey, the even worse part is, the analogy fits too.

I miss you so much Mahal.

Hangad/Intent Part 1 of 2

Whoa, it's been a while since I was last here, hasn't it?

Long story short, I have been crazy-busy working hard.

While trying to return to my gyaru following (it's never really gone, don't worry) and also trying to ruminate on what happens now that my 26th birthday is finally upon me, I found this translation of a blog entry by former Ageha model Sakurina. I don't find her very beautiful by gyaru or even ageha standards and her obsession with nail art can be terrifying on so many levels, but underneath it all it seems she's got a great head on her shoulders and great taste besides, as evidenced by her working on the Sailormoon-themed photoshoot that I reposted around a while back. (I'm sorry, but it also helps that she is one of the few models I know who's actually older than me! XD I SO need an oneesama to help me out... X_x) This blog entry is no exception. It's too good to quote in snippets, so I will repost in its entirety:

Honne (Real Intention)

Good evening.

This is Sakurina.

Today I will tell you what I am thinking.

How do I say this. I’m turning 27 this April…so you think about a lot of things.

Honestly, I don’t think I can continue being a model like this, a lot of young cute girls come out in this world, I feel uneasy and impatient and at times I think “What am I?”

Even so, when I write in my blog there are fans who look at it and when I have events people come…am I someone who is burdened with those people’s expectations.

But, it’s been my dream for a while now, I finally feel like I have something that I want to proceed with, it is singing.

It’s difficult and I was giving up, but you only have one life, if I’m going to live for however many years I should do what I want at the time or I’ll miss out.

I hear that you shouldn’t use the phrase “Someone like me…” anyway.

In the past I hated my face so much that I broke a mirror twice.

How come that girl’s eyes are so big but mine are like this?

How come that girl’s eyelashes are so long but mine are…

How come that girl’s nose is tall but mine is…

How come that girl’s teeth are so nice but mine are…

How come that girl…I hated everything about myself, I got angry, I cried, every day I was irritated.

Right now the reason why my makeup is dark is to deceive everything.

It’s one of the things I thank the world for.

If I was already cute before then I wouldn’t mind wearing lighter makeup.

That’s why if I have a boyfriend I don’t like him seeing other cute girls.

Because they’re all originally cute.

It’s not fair.

When I saw a gravure idol she said “Why don’t you try making your makeup lighter?” I thought be quiet.

Once I was in Ageha, my skin was rough, I hated events, TV, photography. I don’t even like going outside to shop.

“Wouldn’t it be hard to find someone with dirtier skin than me?”

On the train, the grandma next to me or the salary man sleeping in front of me, my skin was the dirtiest…

I don’t want to see anyone I don’t want to be seen…

I took it out on my parents.

My mom told my father that if she could change she would.

If I don’t have room for myself then I can’t be nice to people.

I hate myself for that and it leads to a vicious circle.

Right now my skin has gotten better, I’ve gotten used to the environment and right when I thought I had calmed down all of a sudden I had reached this age…

There are things on here that I can’t write, things I hate, a lot of horrible things.

Even so, I have to live.

Right now, for all those people who have been filled with anger…

Rather than having regret of not doing it, regret after doing it will help you grow.

I’m going to try harder.

Everyone let’s get stronger together.

The anger right now, when you turn 80 years old, it’ll just be a funny story.

You’ll be telling someone, “Something like that happened.”

As long as you get over it right now, more enjoyable things will be waiting for you.

Starting something new, even though it’s scary, when it’s a success you’ll feel more happiness.

You won’t know till you try anything.

I’m small, my style isn’t that great, I wasn’t really beautiful to begin with, but even someone like me can work as a model and have lots of people laugh, it’s a mysterious world, as long as you don’t give up then your dreams can come true.

Those who become happy are the winners.

I feel like I won’t lose to those girls who are originally cute, originally smart, or originally athletic.

I would be happy if at least one out of many reading this blog thought “I’m going to try hard!”

A lot of people are reading this blog so I felt the need to tell you guys more things. Please continue to watch over me.

Thank you so much.

*Translation by Kelly and Tiffany of Himestyle.

On one hand, I feel glad that a model who many girls look up to is so willing to be vulnerable online. I lived through the supermodel era, with Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Kate Moss and others like them strutting their 5-inch heels all over people's faces. You could NEVER tell these models that they were ugly - they would bash your mug and often got away with it! To have a someone of Sakurina's stature, although nowhere near the supermodels of the 1990s, admit so candidly that she was so violently hateful of herself to break two mirrors in her hatred, was unheard of once upon a time. This makes Sakurina so refreshingly human and real, and to me even more worthy of emulation.

I can't help but feel bad though. She's sacrificed so much to become a supercute model, and yet what she's always really wanted is to sing. But so many things happened that got in the way of reaching her original dream. And it's sad that, judging from this entry, she's half-wishing it all happened differently. But then again, if she weren't famous as a model, would she even have had a chance? After all, she says she is plain-looking, with less than stellar facial features for starters. Most singers these days, and particularly more so in Japan, go through a major style overhaul when they want to break into the highly competitive music scene. And I hate to say this, but very few models like her would ever be successful singers because many of them simply don't have great voices. (My younger sister was as a model until very recently, and she just lucked out having her big, heavy, soul singer voice. The story of her short singing career would have to be told another time, however.)

Her blog entry is making me think a lot. But it's getting late and I have a place to be,

Conflicted/Word Vomit 3/? [To be transliterated in Tagalog]

There have been many days that I just wish we could write history differently. Or, like in the Choose Your Own Adventure paperbacks that Bantam Publishing put out for mid-teens in the 1980s and 1990s, you could make a more informed choice and arrive at a more definite conclusion. What if we could have known that the Americans of 1898 would betray us by buying our country from Spain for US$2 million (according to the currency exchange rate at the time)? What if we could have just fought the Spanish on our own and persevered in a war of more than a decade, instead of relying on the superior military strength and firepower of the Americans to have cut the war by 2 years? What if the British, instead of staying only four years, won the war versus Spain and took over Las Islas Filipinas - would our have been named differently, like St. George's Islands* or something? How I wonder.



I was in historic Corregidor two weeks ago, touring the tadpole-shaped island. Corregidor (formerly under the province of Bataan, now under the province of Cavite) is one of five in an island group. The Spanish called it "Corregidor" because it was the first entry point by boat into the Manila Bay area, thus being the island where papers were checked and corrected (Corregidor's name comes from the Spanish verb "corregir," or "to correct"). Meanwhile the other islands - or, in reality, islets - were La Monja (the only island that was not fortified), El Fraile, Caballo and Carabao. The Americans, once they bought the Philippines from Spain, changed it into "Fort Mills." Three of the smaller islets were fortified; El Fraile was renamed "Fort Drum," Caballo became "Fort Hughes" and Carabao was "Fort Frank." Even now, veterans from the USA and Japan are said to quickly recognise the American-era names, but not the older Spanish ones.

The island was pivotal in its role during World War II, because it was where the Allied forces - namely the USAFFE and the Philippine Commonwealth - took their last stand against the Japanese forces from late 1941 till 6th May 1942. A monument on Corregidor island, the Pacific War Memorial, was built to honor the Filipino and American servicemen who participated in the Pacific War. The structure is large rotunda in which a circular altar falls directly under the dome's open center through which light falls on the altar during daylight hours; on 6th May of every year, at exactly 12:00 noon, the sunlight falls right at the center to illuminate the entire dome.

If you discuss the Pacific theatre of World War II, you'd be hardpressed not to find my country, the Philippines, front and center in this historical era. However, it took around 55 to 60 years for the Philippine veterans, already long dwindled in number, to receive just compensation. They fought for love of the Philippines and for her freedom, as well as for fealty to the United States of America which was expected to grant the Philippines its freedom. But a quick Google search shows that after too long, Filipinos who fought in the Pacific theatre of World War II receive no more than US$15,000.00 - and that's if they are alive and breathing as US citizens. Filipinos who have retained citizenship get around US$10,000.00 if I am not mistaken, but they are still lucky, because families of deceased veterans on both sides of the Pacific Ocean don't get a single cent. This is, to me, a Pyhrric victory, not unlike the rape of Manila in 1945 towards the end of World War II; Filipinos have won, yes, but at an exceedingly painful cost.

I've seen these veterans, many of them on wheelchairs, feeble with lines drawn taut on their skins due to age. Their minds may be sharp - their eyes flash at the slightest sound to prove this keenness still inside - but their bodies, fatigued by war and years of waiting, no longer follow. They are pretty much the same age as my grandparents, and even now it is my greatest regret that they did not live to gather this pittance. My mother's father in particular would have benefited greatly from this - it would have made his diabetes treatment much easier on everyone's pockets, for starters; but then again it may have been for the best as well, because there was no psychiatric treatment available at the time of his death to veterans like him, who were never the same after having been in the battlefield. But that's another story for another day.

And as for the Spanish government and private firms? Well, except for scant philanthropic projects and cultural affairs, they keep an excessively low profile and just continue to market their wares. It makes me sad because Mango and Zara - both world-renowned Spanish fashion brands - have great collections, and are said to be made here in the country with super-cheap labour. As far as I can tell (and you are more than free to correct me on this one), neither funding nor curatorial connections helped the Corregidor Foundation in restoring the island.

And so I wonder - what could have been done differently? In the dim hope that history could be rewritten, would we as a people choose to take it? But more importantly, even with the chance of a rewrite or a choice, can we guarantee that the currently-known outcome will still not be the same experience of today? Real life truly is stranger than fiction.

*Hypothetical name only. I do know how important St. George is to the English, though.

An important message.

After an emotionally draining Sunday and an energy-sapping two weeks, I found these among the email messages I've subscribed to. The fact that they were received in my inbox on the very same emotionally-draining Sunday is a bit chilling and disturbing, because I had hoped for something that did not lead me to where angels fear to tread. Emphasis mine.

This is your mission. To become what you were born to be. You were born to bless and heal and love in a very specific, fantastic way. I don't know about you, but it's really incredibly exciting just making it all come to pass.

Here we have one of the smartest people who ever lived, accepting the fact that he couldn't do anything alone. He understood that he could not know what he knew or do what he did without the help of others. Greatness happens when people get together and pool their strengths for each other's benefit. It happens when lessons are passed down and taken even further. Who do you know in your life that you could learn from? Do you have a hero? How can you build on the opportunities that are given to you? How will you pass your knowledge down to the coming generation? Learn your strengths and the strengths of the people around you. Find out how you can help each other achieve what you never could alone. Right now, you can be the one "seeing farther." Be the "giant with shoulders" for someone else. Either way, you'll be part of something big.

I love the gift of healing, but right now, with the way things are looking I can't even manage to heal myself. I'm so terribly drained that I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself to sleep, but I can't get the rest and release I need. (For starters, I am wide awake.) I really, badly need a recharge. X_x Pwede po bang time-out muna, please? =_=

PORTED FROM VOX: Boys need not apply.

I found this on ChaiGyaru's blog, who in turn found it on Nira Chan's blog, and I totally feel her. While I currently have a man to lean on, and I know he won't be perfect, I still find myself wishing on occasion that some of these things would come easier to him...

I want a man, not a boy. ♥

a man who knows how to appreciate the things I do for him.
a man who pampers me with something money can't buy.
a man who knows his mistakes and tries to make it right.
a man who can be my pillow whenever I need someone to lean on.
a man who knows when to give in and let down his pride. 
a man who’d communicate, listen and respond.
a man who respects me, my family and his. 
a man who enjoys what life has to offer. 
a man who can say yes or no instead of ‘anything’.
a man who won’t keep me waiting though the day or night. 
a man who (at least) try figure out what’s going on inside me and resolve it. 
a man who help the relationship work when it gets tough.
a man who'd never lay his hand on woman.
a man who works hard and planning well for his future.
a man who is motivated.
a man who takes responsibility for his actions 
a man who gives me freedom that I need.
a man who loves me with no doubts.

I would also like to add that I want 

a man who knows and understands that a woman will usually associate sex with love.

a man who believes in a Higher Power and would acknowledge that sometimes, there are things beyond any measure of human control. 

The 25 (Almost-Unreachable) Needs: Hoping God & the universe hear me!

These qualities and situations I have always desired for a VERY long time. I'm doing my best to work on these, but I wish some of them would come to me more easily. The others, well, they are what we call "suntok sa buwan" ... literally "a punch at the moon," the best English transliteration being "aiming for the moon." I am hoping and praying that they don't feel that way for very long though.

1. Longer weekends. As long as they are announced a week early and not sooner.
2. Longer vacation days, so I don't succumb to the stress of my occupation and thus burn out easily. *looks meaningfully at her PR agency, which she loves but sadly doesn't offer more than 1 week's vacation at the most*
3. Better eyesight. Glasses can be a pain even with the meganekko/girls with glasses/girl geek-nerd trend being big right now. If by some miracle I either suddenly possess enough tear glands which will facilitate immediate healing after eye surgery, or I just suddenly wake up with a marked improvement to my eyesight, I will be forever grateful. The only reason why I could not qualify for the surgery is because I can't cry - and because I can't cry, I can seriously go blind instead of heal during post-ops for the eyes.
4. Handwriting that's reasonably easy to read. Ever since I was a child, I practised, but I could never get it right. I think I've just given up now because it's just so hard to conform my fingers into those words. X_x
5. Infinite patience. Enough said.
6. Retaining my capacity to sing. Once upon a time I had such a beautiful voice. ;A; I should start sleeping early though, but still that's kinda hard considering we have so many things to do at work and even get calls so late into the night... =_=
7. Superior PC tech skills so I can finally reformat, reprogram, rewire and revamp my PC without worries. (I am trying to practise but I always get it horribly wrong. DX)
8. Superior hair-doing skills. Seriously. I try so hard but cannot style my hair to save my life wallet.
9. Superior make-up skills so I can do my own make. I mean, I AM getting there... but I wish I could be with it a bit faster, y'know?
10. Superior styling skills so I can maximise the clothes I currently have and fit them into the current trends, instead of seeing all the pretty but trendy new ones that are being sold right now.
11. The ability to discern which of my clutter stays in my room, and which goes.
12. Superior cash and credit management skills so I can finally ensure my future.
13. Superior business acumen, because I have inherited absolutely none from my perennially business-minded mum.
14. Superior sewing skills so I can DIY my clothes and finally sew my own costumes. Alas, I am currently "sewing machine killer." XP
15. The capacity to forgive.
16. More courage and humility to ask for forgiveness from others.
17. More self-control. This means prudence over my spending, moderation in my eating, restraint over my reactions, and particularly shutting up instead of talking, because obviously I have no bone of tact and diplomacy in my body. That way I wouldn't need to ask for forgiveness as much and I wouldn't need to try and remedy disasters that could've been avoided had I done better.
18. More tact and diplomacy, along with the self-control.
19. More courage to do things I've always been too scared of trying, like swimming, riding a bicycle...
20. Increased speed and the ability to assimilate new actions quickly so I can start and finish work faster.
21. More time to visit and hang out with my older sister in the USA. Oh, and the cousins too, but not so much them as with Ate. X3
22. Meet Archfaith and my cosplay friend Mew Pudding in New York, and Pinksugarichigo along with all the other gyaru in California. Hopefully I can do the latter when I go to the US.
23. Mahal with me right now and forever. Yes, I am thinking about marriage and raising a family. (Who'd have thought?)
24. More free time. To party, to fix my room, to fix my handwriting, to fix my weight, to fix my LIFE...
25. More sleep. Which reminds me, why am I still up?

Conflicted/Word Vomit 2/? [To be transliterated in Tagalog]

Hmm, my thoughts have become disjointed and incoherent and are going EVERYWHERE. I guess it's because I think based on emotions? This makes it so much harder to write them down.

So let's see... where did I leave off?

Oh yes. Now changing an entire mindset, which is perhaps the domino which will start the whole betterment and positive development movement, is the hardest to do. Mental conditioning is difficult to effect especially in the adult years, and it doesn't take a scientist to see that.

The Filipino is notorious for having amnesia of both long-term and short-term memory. We take the proverbs "Forgive and forget" and "Start fresh, start clean" a little too seriously. This is one of the saddest things about being Filipino - we, as a nation, forget too soon the grievous sins committed against our people and our country, whether by foreign parties or (and this is where it gets worse) fellow Filipinos ourselves. For starters, we suffered exactly 333 years of tyranny under Spain; today, Instituto Cervantes and the Catholic Church are still around (as much as I believe wholeheartedly in Christ Jesus, it is very sad that many figures in the Church have done things contrary to His teachings through the ages), IBM's Philippine unit hires and trains Filipino call center agents for accounts based in Spain and Latin America, many land, labour and governance problems rooted in politicking Spanish exiles and their way of "running the country" continue to plague us today, and I haven't even mentioned the controversial "Filipinas" biscuits which were said to have tasted good, save for their Oreo-like premise of dark cookies with white filling. Have the Spanish insulares and naturalised Filipinos originally from Spain helped the Philippines? Not really - the capitalist Zobel de Ayala family, for instance, have contributed to the rapid, technologically-driven Western-style development of Makati City, but they have also popularised mall culture and San Miguel Beer to new heights. No-one had heard a peep from them the moment the Ondoy/Ketsana hit, and one friend who found herself stranded in one of the low-end Ayala malls in Taguig City told me that the Ayala personnel were extremely lacking in compassion at the height of the storm.

Oh, alright, I take back my hatred of San Miguel Beer, but then again, I was never a beer drinker as I find it too bitter.

This kind of mental condition could only be sheer stupidity at best. But that is how my brain is conditioned. There is no avoiding it; after all, while my late grandparents fought in their own ways during the Japanese occupation during World War II, I can only be described as a rabid J-Pop fan who is a virtual slave to gyaru fashion. Except I refuse to forget, or at least I grasp at straws and devise ways to keep everything in my memory.

Trust me, it's not fun to focus on the negative like this. But the Filipino likes focusing more on the happy and pretty things than the sad and ugly ones. I know I prefer sleeping in the car than staring the greasy-skinned child wearing tattered clothes begging me to please buy a sampaguita garland, and I know I will much rather read my magazines, newspapers and books in English than the longwinded vernacular.

The 25s: Things I Want To Do Before I Die

This list has been carefully thought of and not yet deliberately filled out. Well, so far these seem the most feasible things to do.

1. (Learn how to) fall in love freely for once, and maybe even admit to the object(s) of my affection of my feelings for him/her(/them). Stand by my decision that Mahal is truly worth all the pain I'm going through to be with him, worth being the only one for me. Preferably marry him for keeps at Church. 
2. Put all my favourite charity work in order. Re-instate Reach Out Otaku so that a firm system is in place, and it keeps going through at least two standard activities for years on end. Return some of my time, talent and treasure to ICTUS as well.
3. Do something insanely daring and not at all associated with me. Learn how to swim. Learn how to ride a bicycle and a motorcycle. Learn how to dance. Learn how to sew clothes and a costume or 10.  
4. Learn how to DIY around the house. Really. 
5. Travel. A LOT. Preferably return to South Korea, China, Italy and/or any Schengen country ASAP, and finally go to Japan and Israel. Possibly visit Argentina while I'm at it. 
6. Watch a full Motograndprix race day live at either: Sepang, Malaysia; Laguna Seca, California; or Motegi or Suzuka, Japan.
7. Meet my penpal Sarah and catch up on so much lost time.
8. Catch up with the Seven Habits Pioneers gang.
9. Compose music and create videos, and possibly make music videos! I used to be able to do so back in broadcasting classes, but I've lost the skills. DX
10. Get in touch with my geek self and go marathon the following: Battlestar Galactica (which my sister K likes), The X-Files (which my sisters love), Xena: Warrior Princess, Star Trek (though I am partial to The Next Generation, I should try the others like the original 1960s series and Deep Space Nine), Heroes (K and I are still sad it got cancelled ToT), The Journeyman (underestimated series IMHO),  and... am I missing anything?
11. Go to a gyaru meet-up, learn para-para well enough to be able to dance properly without tripping all over myself, and generally have fun and be true to my gyaru-at-heart self. 
12. Finish all my cosplay plans and ease my way into permanent cosplay retirement. (And learn how to make my own costume in the process.) Para na rin may maisuot ako kung sakaling... a basta. X3 Akin na lang muna ito.
13. Have a super-glamourous photoshoot taken by involving up-and-coming photographers, hair and make-up artists, and possibly stylists with a strong gyaru sensibility. Para naman maramdaman kong maganda ako. XD;
14. Train in martial arts and self-defence.
15. Run a marathon that's either locally staged or for all of Asia. 
16. Become as cool and as calm as ice on winter. For the sake of sanity and efficiency.
17. Fix my meager properties and business (costumes, animanga, games, bank accounts, insurance, budget!!!, etc.), and invest in stocks and retail treasury bonds if necessary. Obviously this means I have to earn and save a lot. v^_^0
18. In fact, my goal is to EARN PhP500,000.00 A MONTH within the next 5 years. 
19. Get Midwest Ocean and Practical Love up and running ASAP, again to help Mahal and myself with the PhP500,000.00-a-month goal. Now if only I weren't so tired all the time... =_=000 
20. Confront THAT PERSON peacefully and calmly. Ayoko nang magalit. Ayoko na ring matakot. Ayoko nang mag-atubili. Wala na akong panahon. Pagod na pagod na ako sa paghihintay. Closure MUST come no matter what.
21. Get people to watch over me and also take care of whatever may lie pending during - and possibly after - the confrontation. I DEMAND these people to be friends who will stand by me regardless of the outcome.
22. Set the record straight with some family members, and ensure that no matter what happens, our family remains strong.
23. Make amends and be at peace with everyone and anyone I can remember off the top of my head.
24. Party hard with all the people I love while I can. Preferably all at the same time, all together. 
25. Live freely with very few regrets, if not none at all. 

...Pero geez. Masyado talaga akong atat magplano. Matagal pa naman ito ano!! ;P