Sunday, March 14, 2010

Hangad/Intent Part 1 of 2

Whoa, it's been a while since I was last here, hasn't it?

Long story short, I have been crazy-busy working hard.

While trying to return to my gyaru following (it's never really gone, don't worry) and also trying to ruminate on what happens now that my 26th birthday is finally upon me, I found this translation of a blog entry by former Ageha model Sakurina. I don't find her very beautiful by gyaru or even ageha standards and her obsession with nail art can be terrifying on so many levels, but underneath it all it seems she's got a great head on her shoulders and great taste besides, as evidenced by her working on the Sailormoon-themed photoshoot that I reposted around a while back. (I'm sorry, but it also helps that she is one of the few models I know who's actually older than me! XD I SO need an oneesama to help me out... X_x) This blog entry is no exception. It's too good to quote in snippets, so I will repost in its entirety:

Honne (Real Intention)

Good evening.

This is Sakurina.

Today I will tell you what I am thinking.

How do I say this. I’m turning 27 this April…so you think about a lot of things.

Honestly, I don’t think I can continue being a model like this, a lot of young cute girls come out in this world, I feel uneasy and impatient and at times I think “What am I?”

Even so, when I write in my blog there are fans who look at it and when I have events people come…am I someone who is burdened with those people’s expectations.

But, it’s been my dream for a while now, I finally feel like I have something that I want to proceed with, it is singing.

It’s difficult and I was giving up, but you only have one life, if I’m going to live for however many years I should do what I want at the time or I’ll miss out.

I hear that you shouldn’t use the phrase “Someone like me…” anyway.

In the past I hated my face so much that I broke a mirror twice.

How come that girl’s eyes are so big but mine are like this?

How come that girl’s eyelashes are so long but mine are…

How come that girl’s nose is tall but mine is…

How come that girl’s teeth are so nice but mine are…

How come that girl…I hated everything about myself, I got angry, I cried, every day I was irritated.

Right now the reason why my makeup is dark is to deceive everything.

It’s one of the things I thank the world for.

If I was already cute before then I wouldn’t mind wearing lighter makeup.

That’s why if I have a boyfriend I don’t like him seeing other cute girls.

Because they’re all originally cute.

It’s not fair.

When I saw a gravure idol she said “Why don’t you try making your makeup lighter?” I thought be quiet.

Once I was in Ageha, my skin was rough, I hated events, TV, photography. I don’t even like going outside to shop.

“Wouldn’t it be hard to find someone with dirtier skin than me?”

On the train, the grandma next to me or the salary man sleeping in front of me, my skin was the dirtiest…

I don’t want to see anyone I don’t want to be seen…

I took it out on my parents.

My mom told my father that if she could change she would.

If I don’t have room for myself then I can’t be nice to people.

I hate myself for that and it leads to a vicious circle.

Right now my skin has gotten better, I’ve gotten used to the environment and right when I thought I had calmed down all of a sudden I had reached this age…

There are things on here that I can’t write, things I hate, a lot of horrible things.

Even so, I have to live.

Right now, for all those people who have been filled with anger…

Rather than having regret of not doing it, regret after doing it will help you grow.

I’m going to try harder.

Everyone let’s get stronger together.

The anger right now, when you turn 80 years old, it’ll just be a funny story.

You’ll be telling someone, “Something like that happened.”

As long as you get over it right now, more enjoyable things will be waiting for you.

Starting something new, even though it’s scary, when it’s a success you’ll feel more happiness.

You won’t know till you try anything.

I’m small, my style isn’t that great, I wasn’t really beautiful to begin with, but even someone like me can work as a model and have lots of people laugh, it’s a mysterious world, as long as you don’t give up then your dreams can come true.

Those who become happy are the winners.

I feel like I won’t lose to those girls who are originally cute, originally smart, or originally athletic.

I would be happy if at least one out of many reading this blog thought “I’m going to try hard!”

A lot of people are reading this blog so I felt the need to tell you guys more things. Please continue to watch over me.

Thank you so much.

*Translation by Kelly and Tiffany of Himestyle.


On one hand, I feel glad that a model who many girls look up to is so willing to be vulnerable online. I lived through the supermodel era, with Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Kate Moss and others like them strutting their 5-inch heels all over people's faces. You could NEVER tell these models that they were ugly - they would bash your mug and often got away with it! To have a someone of Sakurina's stature, although nowhere near the supermodels of the 1990s, admit so candidly that she was so violently hateful of herself to break two mirrors in her hatred, was unheard of once upon a time. This makes Sakurina so refreshingly human and real, and to me even more worthy of emulation.

I can't help but feel bad though. She's sacrificed so much to become a supercute model, and yet what she's always really wanted is to sing. But so many things happened that got in the way of reaching her original dream. And it's sad that, judging from this entry, she's half-wishing it all happened differently. But then again, if she weren't famous as a model, would she even have had a chance? After all, she says she is plain-looking, with less than stellar facial features for starters. Most singers these days, and particularly more so in Japan, go through a major style overhaul when they want to break into the highly competitive music scene. And I hate to say this, but very few models like her would ever be successful singers because many of them simply don't have great voices. (My younger sister was as a model until very recently, and she just lucked out having her big, heavy, soul singer voice. The story of her short singing career would have to be told another time, however.)

Her blog entry is making me think a lot. But it's getting late and I have a place to be,

2 comments:

PetSugar said...

wow... i'm just amazed. i agree with you, her chance to be a singer is greatly improved with her modeling career. Her life is most certainly not over. this is amazing. i must tweet this lol.

Ligaya said...

Thanks so much for commenting. ^_^

Hey, you have a Twitter account? Mine is Ligayadiwata. :P